Let Me Whisper In Your Ear

'It's the holiday season and Santa Claus has got a toy for every good girl and good little boy.'

Oh Andy Williams. You make my heart leap out of my chest every year. You always put me in a good mood around this time of year. I never get holiday blues because of you. This year also gave me another reason to not be blue...Oprah and the Obama's. Thank you for leading us into the holidays, and I dare not be blue. Oprah, the most powerful human being to be genetically created, is the epitome of Christmas. Plus, she owns the rights to it. Apparently Santa was also hit hard by the economy, and needed a bail out. Reindeer droppings removal is quite expensive.

'He'll have a big fat pack upon his back And lots of goodies for you and me.'

You disappoint me Better Off Ted. Although last night's episode was funny as a stand alone, where was the Christmas spirit? Are you telling me that the good people of Veridian are that emotionally defunct that we can't get a Christmas party, or at least even a Christmas carol? Phil dressed like an elf would have given me sweet dreams of sugar plums and weird, um, little elf people. Sometimes I scare me.

'It's the holiday season with the whoop-de-do and hickory dock and don't forget to hang up your sock.'

Being on vacation is fun, except for the daytime television. If you have any type of taste at all, you're not watching any type of television from the hours of 9am to 5pm. That is unless you love repeats and soap operas. Luckily for me, I love BOTH! I watched Sportscenter for 6 straight hours on Monday and learned nothing new. Yesterday was a marathon of Law & Order: SVU, where I saw the Jupiter Jack commercial with both Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan. That was a little weird since it's the same script, the same images, but different spokespeople. I was spooked. I don't know who to listen to. The ghost of Billy Mays or the guy is scooping up his sloppy seconds. Anthony Sullivan, you are no Billy Mays. And Billy Mays, you are just as powerful in death as you were in life.

And If You Want Some Fun

Unfortunately, I'm watching Devil's Wears Prada right now. The reason it's happening is because I can't find the remote. It's probably somewhere on my couch, but I'm in the chair. I really don't want to move. Since I don't want to move, I figured I would just watch some clips from last night's SNL on Hulu (at the highest possible volume I can handle).

All in All, this season has been bad. Actually it's been really, really bad. In fact the show hasn't been good since Will Ferrell left. And I don't know if that's an understatement or not. It just hasn't been funny. They use the same actors over and over again. They use the same non-funny hosts that haven't even hit puberty on a regular basis (although once they do hit puberty, they aren't asked back, ever).

But as bad as the season has been, there have been plenty of bright lights. The episode that Taylor Swift hosted was very funny. From her monologue to the Entertainment Tonight spoof Hollywood Dish, it was good. Last night's episode was funny. James Franco and all of his good looks were funny. (And yes, he is good looking.) I'm fine with saying that. Not only is he good looking, but he was also funny. The kissing skit: over the top and I laughed. What Up With That?: always funny and I laughed. The frat skit: wasn't great and I laughed. Vincent Price: actually killed me and I laughed...out loud.

I go onto ew.com on a daily basis and read every article and review because I actually trust and listen to all of them. This morning was the first time that I completely disagreed with the site. The review of Saturday night's episode basically slammed everything about it. But if you watch each skit on it's own, and base them on it's own merit, they weren't that bad. Sure the writing sucks, but the skits weren't bad. When Andy Samberg came out to talk to animals as Mark Whalberg, I laughed and I hate Andy Samberg. Fred Armisen killed all night. Kristen Wiig was funny, as always.

Problem is there are too many critics who are comparing the show to the glory Belushi/Aykroyd, Murphy/Piscopo, Carvey/Myers, Sandler/Farley, and Ferrell/Kattan years, and that's just not fair. This season has been terrible, but there have been plenty of bright lights along the way. I have definitely laughed, so there has to have been some moments that were half way decent. It just hasn't been an absolute disaster as many have described it to be.

I Wanna Be Famous

It's been a few too many days that I've gone without writing something, and it's my own fault. I shouldn't keep my public in the dark like I do. I'm a horrible, talentless human being. But I'm back with a few thoughts that I really need to get out of me right now.

I'm so very happy that Jane Lynch was nominated for a Golden Globe. She kills me each and every week on Glee, and is only 1 of the 800 reasons that I watch that show. Last week when she told Schu that she was bringing the horror made me fall of the couch. Literally. I almost broke my arm. As much joy as I feel for Glee, it's equal to the anger coursing through my veins at the omission of Jim Parsons and Big Bang Theory. Every week he's solid. And coming from a geek in his own right, I think that Sheldon may taking over for Chewbacca as my hero.

People need to stop hating on Better Off Ted. Take it for what it's worth...a wacky ensemble cast working at the most outrageous company ever. Plus Portia de Rossi is almost as incredible as Jane Lynch, but just a step below in the evil category. Plus I think Veronica has a heart where Sue Sylvester has ice water running through her veins, just like Ivan Lendl (unfortunately I couldn't find the commercial from the late 80's that would have gone with this joke. I considered taking out the reference, but thought better of it. If my brother reads this, he'll get it and he'll laugh, and I'm good with that. It was classic).

My last little rant for the day is the lack of cartoons on Saturday mornings. I woke up Saturday to find nothing but political talk on CBS and NBC. Really!? What happened to The Smurfs and The Snorks? I can't get a Garfield rerun? I can't even get any old episodes of Hang Time (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWFNkxE_bf0), which is just a travesty. California Dreams (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8ltiqJgf24)? Nope. I get nothing. Now I get to listen to some guy in a suit talk about the economy like he knows something about it, and can fix it. If so, get off your butt and fix it. Until then, bring me back the little blue men and classically bad teenage acting.

See How They Run

Before I start this rant, I just want you to know that I, in no way, advocate violence done to any human. I, in no way, get offended at any offensive language used in a television show or a movie. I, in no way, agree with contradiction. But you, MTV, are now on notice.

Jersey Shore is fantastically horrible. In next weeks episode, every one's favorite "Princess of Poughkeepsie" Snooki receives a right cross from a bar patron for reasons only known (for now) to the cast, the guy playing Mike Tyson, the producers, the editors and the rest of MTV. After
up-coming scenes showed the punch, the clip went viral and everyone and their mother saw it. Now all Italian-American groups, as well as the Vatican probably, are up in arms about the show, saying that it's offensive to Italians and portrays the nationality in a bad light.

Being a rationale human being, I understand that this is entertainment. Being an Italian, I understand that these 8 people (now 7) are basically d-bags. So, here is where MTV gets an ear full.

You can't pull this clip from next week's episode. You have already set the precedent that you tolerate basically anything that happens on any of your shows, including violence towards women. If this wasn't so, you wouldn't glorify the "Slap heard round The Real World." Don't tell me you don't remember. Upon Irene leaving the house in the finale, Stephen stopped the car, opened the door, and slapped her right across the face. I remember watching it, thinking "Holy crap, I can't believe they let that happen." Then I thought about it, and of course I can believe you let it happen. I've seen it many times since then on various reunion shows. And I know why. It's because it's all about the ratings. It's all about getting enough people to watch your shows. I get that. What I don't get is why now, in a time where television has gotten more and more risque with situations and language, that you are pulling this clip? This clip is going to pull in a huge audience, and you know it. I don't buy that you now have a conscience when you're running an all day marathon of My Super Sweet-16 and Teen Mom, not to mention all the other programming that you throw at us. I don't buy it.

What I do buy is that you lost advertisers. You lost money, and that above everything is why the audience won't see the clip. Money is the absolute reason that we do, or don't do something. As soon as the first groups started complaining, and the advertisers started pulling out, you played the role you're not accustomed to, and that would be morally correct. I guess the bottom line is that you MTV, say and do one thing, and then when the money stops coming in, you decide to become Mother Teresa. That is until the next advertiser comes in and replaces that money.

So please continue exploiting all the 16 year-olds you can. Please keep glorifying teenage pregnancy. Please condone excessive drinking and promiscuous sex because after all, it's all about the advertisers money and what they want. Um I mean, the entertainment.

You Don't Know What You're Missing

At the risk of sounding less than masculine, I want to say that tonight's episode of Glee was incredible. If you haven't seen an episode, please cross to your kitchen, take the deep fryer out from the cabinet, turn it on and stick your hand in it because the pain of burning flesh is nothing compared to what you are depriving yourself of. I'll give you run down:

- Jane Lynch might possibly be the most evil character on television, and if she doesn't receive an Emmy, Golden Globe, Grammy, Tony, Dundie...well, if she doesn't at least get nominated I may have to blow up whatever office that the people that decide on this stuff work in, just to make a point. And if you don't know who Jane Lynch is, kindly move to Canada.

- The singing is actually good. I wouldn't normally give props to lip syncing, but it's their voices. Their real voices. It just reminds me that I have no real talent at all.

- The plot lines are surprising adult like. Take this one as an example. A teen pregnancy turned into a love triangle, but before that could be rectified, the wife of the glee club advisor faked her pregnancy, and made a deal with the teenager to take her baby, but then the teenager opted out of giving up her baby, only for the advisor to find out that his wife wasn't pregnant, which caused home life to become less than comfy, which led to the advisor showing his true feelings for the guidance counselor, all after the group sang at sectionals, but not before the aforementioned love triangle was revealed. Real life to the umpteenth degree.

But of course this show revolves around high school, and I'm staring to think that my life is only complete if I'm knee deep in teen angst. If I had known then what I know now, I would have practiced singing, and definitely tried to get a little taller.

I'd Like to be Under the Sea

This wasn't supposed to happen. It was always supposed to be me and the past relationships that I forged in college. These were strong bonds that couldn't be broken, by anything or anyone. But now doubts are starting to sink in. I think, and I can't believe I'm thinking this, I'm a bigger fan of 90210 than I am of Beverly Hills 90210.

I will now accept all the stones that are sure to be thrown at me.

I kinda know why I'm feeling this way. The second season of this new installment has been so much better than the first. The characters are finally interacting with each other. There's way more drama now than there was back in the day. Well, more outside drama that doesn't include the top 8 characters. It's got a certain feel that's reminding me of The OC (which threw us a fantastic first season followed by a great second season, but then nothing but down hill, so if I'm only getting 2 seasons out of this show, I may start watching Gossip Girl cause I would miss all those high school antics).

The funny thing is that this isn't the first time that I've been faced with this kind confusion, although I was more firm in my stance back then. When Zack and Kelly graduated, and Mr. Belding and Screech brought in The New Class, I protested. When 90210 brought back Kelly, Brenda and Joe E. Tata(!!!) I accepted with open arms. The bottom line is Saved By The Bell is way too important to my life for me to taint it with something as ridiculous as a remake, yet 90210 makes me feel like I can go home again. And I love my room.

Fixing a Hole in the Ocean

I hate reality programming. I know that hate is a very strong word that shouldn't be thrown around that often, but I really hate reality programming. It's the reason that there hasn't been good writing on TV since the Seinfeld days. Now it's all about putting the worst people into the worst situation possible and hope that drama occurs. Actually, it's not hope, it's knowing. Of course the slut and the meat head are going to hook up. You gave them shots of vodka and a hot tub and a camera. Today it's more shocking when they don't transfer diseases back and forth between each other.

That being said, I LOVE Jersey Shore.

All I heard Thursday night was how great it was. Texts poured about Mike "The Situation" and Nicole "Snooki/Snickers/Snickerdoodle" something or other. I even got one text asking if my brother auditioned, cause after all, he's a make believe guido. That's the one that got me to watch it. And I don't have 1 single complaint about it. You got 4 roid ragers mixed in with 4 future escorts. What could be more fun than that? I submit that there is nothing! After the first 20 minutes, I paused the show and instantly went to my season manager and set up the season pass. It's that good.

I don't want you to think that I'm going to start watching reality programming. I still don't understand the appeal of Housewives, or why there are people dumb enough to not know that they are 9 months pregnant (seriously, that show makes me want to burn my eyeballs out and then take a hammer to my temple.) Jersey Shore is something special though. I'm actually excited for all the STD's and hair gel to start flying. It's God's way of saying, "Don't worry. Television will come back. Trust me."

I Just Had To Laugh

Welcome to the second installment of this geek's view of life. I'm happy to report that I've gotten some positive feedback, meaning that I'm going to be coming at you like a hurricane, of arms, and teeth and fingernails. You won't know what hit you. Of course, now this means that I need to make things funny to keep the attention of all 6 of you (hopefully by tomorrow, we'll be in the double digits with fans - a boy can dream). I was going to hit you up with an elaborate story about Saved By The Bell and the 25th Anniversary Rock and Roll Hall of Fame special on HBO (it had to do with Slater's immense skill at wrapping gifts/fantastic mullet and Bruce Springsteen's tight jeans/sweaty thighs) but I decided that it was too forced. It wasn't me. Although watching this woman wrap a gift at the gift wrapping counter was a sight to be seen. She was so meticulous that the triangle flaps were equidistant from the edge. And she did it without a ruler!! I can't draw a straight line with a ruler, let alone wrap a gift where the paper is even. I'm pretty much the reason God invented the gift bag.

The mall gift wrap lady wasn't the only magical thing that happened tonight. I was able to purchase myself some jeans that gives me an absolutely breathtaking heinie. I will now pause for you all to imagine bouncing quarters off of it, or just admire it - cause that's what it's there for, to be admired..............still pausing..............and I'm done. But every ray of light will always be contradicted by an ugly, soulless and evil black hole (sort of like my grandmother), and tonight's enjoyment was destroyed by the reminder that I missed Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Seriously, the entire night has now been rendered useless. I contemplated disowning Slater's mullet, but that would just be silly. Kind of like my evil toe where I draw all my power, that mullet gives me purpose in life. This is why I still watch every morning. That is unless it's the Ms. Bliss years, which are airing right now. I can't watch it. Horrible acting, horrible story lines. It's just not the SBTB that we all know and love. Much like Rocky V, the Dave Brown era, and this new Melrose Place crap, it didn't happen.

So to sum up: Slater's mullet gives me the motivation in the morning to get out of bed and make it sexual, while the evil toe provides the life blood. Saved By The Bell - The Ms. Bliss years are a mirage and shouldn't be taken seriously. I had thoughts earlier about the tightness of Bruce Springsteen's jeans and those thoughts included the amount of chaffing that occurs, followed by how many containers of Johnson's baby powder he must go through in any given week. Rudolph may hold the key to my infinite happiness and my grandmother is a heartless demon. That being said, my butt is fantastic. Hold onto your hats cause these themes may come back from time to time.

I Believe in Yesterday

Since this is the first blog that I am attempting to write - and no one will read - I figured why not start off with a little bit about me and what I want to accomplish with this thing. First off, I've been trying to start one of these for a while now. I just never did because of a little thing called life. You can't believe how much energy you need to lay on the couch night after night, thinking about doing something constructive, only to turn over on the remote and have Bravo magically appear on your screen. Well, tonight is the night that I put down the remote and say WORLD HERE I AM! For those that are reading this after I begged you, my hope is that I can take some of the nonsensical thoughts in my head an put them down for your enjoyment. For anyone that might go backwards and read some of these and say, "Wow, I need to meet this character," you're in luck because I will be going on tour in February, signing people's chests and arms and things like that. It should be interesting.

Anyway, beyond the hope of actually getting people to read about me, I'm hoping to also entice people with my overwhelming knowledge of television - and some sports, some movies, and some music. Chances are there will be some posts that recap a certain show, or will pine nostalgically for the good old days where Sam and Diane were on, and then off, and then on, and then off, and then on, and then off again. TV is basically what I do for a living, and it's pretty much all I know. That might not be entirely true, but it's close to the truth. I'm a full believer that I have absolutely no talent whatsoever, and that non-talent shines through on a daily basis. And as you can tell from the name, I'm a self described geek. I know this to be true and I've known it since high school when I had to drug and blackmail the popular kids in order for them to let me hang out with them. To no one's surprise, I haven't spoken to many of those precious souls since June 1995.

If you haven't been able to tell by now, I'm a bit ADD, and a bit OCD, which makes for a violent and scary combination. I promise to keep the tangents to a minimum, but it will take some work. I'm already at like a billion words on this post and I didn't even get to what I wanted to talk about, but maybe that should wait till tomorrow. I know, you're not happy. Then again, you're not reading this, so really, it doesn't matter if you're happy or not. Just know that it is now my lot in life to keep you entertained. All zero of you.